Your proposal was in jest?
Well yes, you’re bound to say that now.
Did your mother put you up to it?
The shrivelled old cow.
When you went down on one knee
I didn’t know it was a joke
But I like your twisted humour,
You’re quite funny for a bloke.
And that took a lot of bottle,
Men don’t mess with me at all.
It’s not that you’ve impressed me
But, my God, you’ve got some balls.
And you haven’t left me crushed
Or hurt or feeling like a fool
But the bile behind your answer
Was unnecessary, cruel.
Our partnership’s not perfect
But then these things never are
And I’ve spent years and wasted tears
On meaner men by far.
You used to swear you liked your women
Plain, undaubed with slap
But I guess that’s not the first time
That you’ve spouted streams of crap.
And for you to scorn my style
And mention Trinny and Susannah,
They too, like you, are out of date,
You fashion-clueless spanner.
So I have a streak of silver hair?
I’m not sure where that’s leading –
Since you’re the one with hair and gums
Relentlessly receding.
My tan’s not from a bottle
It’s my natural complexion,
Which you’d realise if you bothered
With a full-body inspection.
And while we’re on the subject
My tattoo’s way more discreet
Than the ink which covers you
Right from your nipples to your feet.
You mentioned kids? No way, José,
That really would be hell,
A life with you is grim enough
Without your spawn as well.
But good for you, you’ve answered back,
The worm has truly turned,
Respect’s not automatic
And mine’s not quickly earned.
To be honest, I’m impressed,
I didn’t think you had it in you
And I’m wondering if this thing of ours
Could possibly continue.
I always thought you liked me
In those tights and kitten heels
But I’ll dump the lot in Oxfam –
No great hassle, no big deal.
The issue with the toilet seat,
You know that’s my pet hate.
Could a compromise be come to?
We could always try Relate.
You are knocking on a bit
But so am I, don’t get me wrong,
What I mean is that for us
Till death do part might not last long.
You’ve the manners of a mongoose
And I can’t abide your snoring
But then life without your freakish ways
Can briskly become boring.
This nymphet you’ve got lined up –
Don’t get ideas above your station,
I’m sure that she exists, my dear,
In your imagination.
I’ve tried out other men
Yet found the passion’s just not there
And how often have our friends said
That we make a perfect pair?
You have piles of imperfections
And you’re sure not Mr. Right
But you’re all there is to hand, I guess.
In other words – I might.

Your fickleness is famous
So I knew you’d get in touch
And I fear, my dear, it’s clear as clear,
You did protest too much,
Pretending your own innocence,
Embellishing my vices,
Results of your embarrassing
Belated midlife crisis.
Your Barbie dolled-up girlfriend
Was never going to stay,
I’m just surprised it took two weeks
Before she ran away.
She wanted fresher meat than yours,
That’s plain for all to see,
But Kevin? What a bastard!
He swore that he loved me.
I guess some men are worse than you,
Although that’s hard to swallow.
In honesty, I’m finding that
You’re quite an act to follow.
I miss your witty wittering,
Male escorts bore me stiff,
And it’s not like this is permanent,
It’s more a lovers’ tiff.
I don’t know if it’s healthy
To rake things up again
But I feel you’ve opened up
And that I ought to do the same.
For now I’ll overlook
Your bitter banter and your spite,
And I’ll take you at face value
When you tell me that you might.
You spoke the words I longed to hear
So maybe all’s not lost,
My tongue, at times, is razor sharp
And then I pay the cost.
I can not say I’m sorry –
All I did was speak my mind –
But I may have come across
A tad vindictive or unkind.
I never meant to hurt you,
Not often anyway,
And losing you I will not do,
That price I can not pay.
I realise that from me
Such soppy drivel sounds absurd
But my shrink says I should think
About the impact of my words.
Those times you thought me sleeping,
I watched you, wide awake,
I prayed that you would stay with me,
My heart was fit to break,
For yes, I had suspicions
That your interest had strayed,
What woman wants to witness
That’s she’s cuckolded, been played?
My obsession with your mother –
I know it’s slightly odd
But I’m jealous of the hold she has,
You’re two peas in a pod.
I’ve thrown out those old nighties
And I’m going on a diet,
Apparently you just eat less,
New-fangled, but I’ll try it.
I’m taking out the piercings
And I won’t get any more,
Now the novelty’s worn off I find
They often leave me sore.
Although I’m no spring chicken
And you are no great catch
It’s true, in you, I can’t deny,
I’ve really met my match.
I’ve masked my pain these last few weeks,
Your absence brings such sadness
And life without your tender touch
Is futile, folly, madness.
I’m left bereft, depressed, distressed,
I’m nothing without you,
I’ll love you for eternity,
In other words – I do!

Amy Rainbow